"Born This Way"
Song - How Could Anyone Ever Tell You?
Stories of bullying in three different voices 3 minutes
Sobering these stories, knowing the scars that will follow.
Our hearts break for those whose spirits and lives have been broken by bullies.
And we know that the recovery from bullying can take long – sometimes a lifetime.
As we look at self-care, and acceptance, it’s impossible to ignore this pervasive plague upon our schools and even in the workplace and on the streets.
So, why do people bully?
As I’ve thought and read about this I came to research that showed that bullying generally is not about the bully having low self-esteem, but rather about power and control and relationships.
Debra Pepler, a Distinguished Research Professor of Psychology at York University (Toronto, Canada), has advocated an approach to bullying that includes addressing the aggressors, those being bullied, the bystanders, and adults in their lives.
Bullies:
We know that children, and adults, who are seen as “different’ from the socially constructed ‘norm,’ are much more likely to be bullied – whether they are overweight, gay, lesbian, transgendered, have learning disabilities, ADHD, speech impediments, and medical conditions that affect their appearance. But that is not always the case…sometimes people are picked on for no apparent reason.
It is a failure of our relation systems that have allowed bullying to go on for so long, and it is heartening to see that bullying is being taken more seriously.
Children should not have to die because of it. Bullying in schools and workplaces is one form of bullying. There is another type that comes from a society in which difference is demonized, whether it is because of race, class, sexual orientation, political views.
And there is a more subtle form of discounting; a lack of acceptance that carries wounds...
What were you told about yourself when you were growing up?
Does the song. “How could anyone ever tell you?” set up a sense of longing or affirmation?
Perhaps both?
What might it be like if everyone was told that they were beautiful, whole, that their loving is a miracle and that they knew that they were deeply connected to someone else?
On the hierarchy of human needs, the need to love and be loved follows physical needs and safety needs…it is crucial for human flourishing and well-being. (And it is crucial for most other animals as well – particularly those who share so much of our DNA.) We know that babies who are deprived of love fail to thrive despite being given all the basic needs. We first need to experience love and acceptance in order to extend it to ourselves and others.
We need to have ourselves mirrored by our caregivers…to see ourselves reflected in their eyes in order to ‘be’ – we ‘see’ ourselves first through the eyes of others. We in turn then can grow to see ourselves as we are – in the fullness of us.
Being accepted provides a foundation for being able to move through the world with confidence…knowing, more or less, who were are…having an accurate understanding of who we are…without a need to be perfect, and the ability to see the ways we are alike, and the ways that we are different, from others…and ultimately, hopefully, as we mature to be okay with who we are. Being accepted for who we are allows us to be able to dream about what is possible in our lives.
In this acceptance I mean acceptance of who we are in our essence, at our core…not necessarily behavior because sometimes our behavior, and that of others, is unacceptable. I’m speaking of the essence of our nature.
Acceptance creates a spaciousness in our lives.
I think of it as a wide circle within which I can move…and try new things and be who I am.
Being accepted allows us to accept ourselves.
To be loved means to be accepted for who we are, with our silliness and quirks, our brilliance and our dullness.
Think about a time when you were not accepted, when you felt judged – and I mean judged about who you are not necessarily something you did (because sometimes we and others do things that are not acceptable), I’m speaking her about the core of who we are.
Can you think of a time?
Ouch, right?
Perhaps that experience still lives in you in a very real way and continues to inform how you live and move in the world in ways large or even small.
Now - Think about a time when you felt most accepted…
Can you feel that?
Perhaps you can’t breathe.
Imagine it then; imagine what it would be like….and know you are loved.
Compassion can arise from this practice of acceptance of ourselves and others.
Practicing acceptance is a spiritual practice of self-care…it leads to compassion…
From compassion comes an acceptance of the “other” – within ourselves, our families, our communities.
Our Universalist tradition is one that calls on us to embrace Love.
And our Unitarian tradition calls on us to adjust our thinking in light of new revelations.
When our species evolved fear of the “other” insured survival…as we have further evolved in our societies and our understanding of the world, the other need no longer threaten. We can embrace difference as a part of the diversity of the web of life and leave off the demonizing of the other.
When we work through the blocks to our own self-acceptance we can enter into the experience of the ‘other’ even the bully (without condoning that behavior)…and create the spaciousness for healing, for wholeness, for the rich diversity of experience and expression that makes this interdependent web of which we are all a part so vibrating and dynamic.
We can start by deconstructing the categories that box people in. There is no spaciousness in boxes!
And allow our children, and ourselves, to be who we are.
Gender expectations, heteronormativity, racial and ethnic stereotypes, political divisiveness, socially constructed norms of beauty and class -- you can think of others...
We bump up against these all the time. The dismantling of these constructions has been decried as the end of civilization. Yet, I think of it as the next evolutionary step.
A video has been making the rounds on facebook that really says it all – It’s of little girl complaining about the pink aisle in the toy store…
“Why do the girls have to buy pink stuff and the boys get to buy different colored stuff…why do the girls have to buy princesses and the boys can buy superheroes! Sometimes girls want to buy superheroes!”
Sometimes girls want to buy superheroes!
Our Unitarian Universalist tradition calls on us to affirm the inherent worth and dignity of all beings, to promote justice, equity, and compassion in all of our relations, and acceptance of one another and encouragement to spiritual growth.
When we accept ourselves in our fullness we can celebrate ourselves and others.
Let us strengthen our relational fabric to create a safety net, a soft place to fall, a strong web of interconnection and interdependence, and the spaciousness of acceptance within which we can dance and experience compassion and empathy for ourselves and for others…
And to celebrate who we are.
Because, you know, you were born this way baby.
Then the youth came in and we all danced to an edited version of Lady Gaga’s “Born this Way” video
Stories of bullying in three different voices 3 minutes
Sobering these stories, knowing the scars that will follow.
Our hearts break for those whose spirits and lives have been broken by bullies.
And we know that the recovery from bullying can take long – sometimes a lifetime.
As we look at self-care, and acceptance, it’s impossible to ignore this pervasive plague upon our schools and even in the workplace and on the streets.
So, why do people bully?
As I’ve thought and read about this I came to research that showed that bullying generally is not about the bully having low self-esteem, but rather about power and control and relationships.
Debra Pepler, a Distinguished Research Professor of Psychology at York University (Toronto, Canada), has advocated an approach to bullying that includes addressing the aggressors, those being bullied, the bystanders, and adults in their lives.
Bullies:
- Have a strong need to be in control and exert their dominance over others.
- Bullies are rewarded for their behavior
- Bullies lack empathy, and many get pleasure out of other people’s pain.
- Bullies lack the ability to self-regulate emotions
- Bullies are heavily influenced by their family backgrounds, which include little warmth or affection, and sometimes punitive and rigid discipline.
We know that children, and adults, who are seen as “different’ from the socially constructed ‘norm,’ are much more likely to be bullied – whether they are overweight, gay, lesbian, transgendered, have learning disabilities, ADHD, speech impediments, and medical conditions that affect their appearance. But that is not always the case…sometimes people are picked on for no apparent reason.
It is a failure of our relation systems that have allowed bullying to go on for so long, and it is heartening to see that bullying is being taken more seriously.
Children should not have to die because of it. Bullying in schools and workplaces is one form of bullying. There is another type that comes from a society in which difference is demonized, whether it is because of race, class, sexual orientation, political views.
And there is a more subtle form of discounting; a lack of acceptance that carries wounds...
What were you told about yourself when you were growing up?
Does the song. “How could anyone ever tell you?” set up a sense of longing or affirmation?
Perhaps both?
What might it be like if everyone was told that they were beautiful, whole, that their loving is a miracle and that they knew that they were deeply connected to someone else?
On the hierarchy of human needs, the need to love and be loved follows physical needs and safety needs…it is crucial for human flourishing and well-being. (And it is crucial for most other animals as well – particularly those who share so much of our DNA.) We know that babies who are deprived of love fail to thrive despite being given all the basic needs. We first need to experience love and acceptance in order to extend it to ourselves and others.
We need to have ourselves mirrored by our caregivers…to see ourselves reflected in their eyes in order to ‘be’ – we ‘see’ ourselves first through the eyes of others. We in turn then can grow to see ourselves as we are – in the fullness of us.
Being accepted provides a foundation for being able to move through the world with confidence…knowing, more or less, who were are…having an accurate understanding of who we are…without a need to be perfect, and the ability to see the ways we are alike, and the ways that we are different, from others…and ultimately, hopefully, as we mature to be okay with who we are. Being accepted for who we are allows us to be able to dream about what is possible in our lives.
In this acceptance I mean acceptance of who we are in our essence, at our core…not necessarily behavior because sometimes our behavior, and that of others, is unacceptable. I’m speaking of the essence of our nature.
Acceptance creates a spaciousness in our lives.
I think of it as a wide circle within which I can move…and try new things and be who I am.
Being accepted allows us to accept ourselves.
To be loved means to be accepted for who we are, with our silliness and quirks, our brilliance and our dullness.
Think about a time when you were not accepted, when you felt judged – and I mean judged about who you are not necessarily something you did (because sometimes we and others do things that are not acceptable), I’m speaking her about the core of who we are.
Can you think of a time?
Ouch, right?
Perhaps that experience still lives in you in a very real way and continues to inform how you live and move in the world in ways large or even small.
Now - Think about a time when you felt most accepted…
Can you feel that?
Perhaps you can’t breathe.
Imagine it then; imagine what it would be like….and know you are loved.
Compassion can arise from this practice of acceptance of ourselves and others.
Practicing acceptance is a spiritual practice of self-care…it leads to compassion…
From compassion comes an acceptance of the “other” – within ourselves, our families, our communities.
Our Universalist tradition is one that calls on us to embrace Love.
And our Unitarian tradition calls on us to adjust our thinking in light of new revelations.
When our species evolved fear of the “other” insured survival…as we have further evolved in our societies and our understanding of the world, the other need no longer threaten. We can embrace difference as a part of the diversity of the web of life and leave off the demonizing of the other.
When we work through the blocks to our own self-acceptance we can enter into the experience of the ‘other’ even the bully (without condoning that behavior)…and create the spaciousness for healing, for wholeness, for the rich diversity of experience and expression that makes this interdependent web of which we are all a part so vibrating and dynamic.
We can start by deconstructing the categories that box people in. There is no spaciousness in boxes!
And allow our children, and ourselves, to be who we are.
Gender expectations, heteronormativity, racial and ethnic stereotypes, political divisiveness, socially constructed norms of beauty and class -- you can think of others...
We bump up against these all the time. The dismantling of these constructions has been decried as the end of civilization. Yet, I think of it as the next evolutionary step.
A video has been making the rounds on facebook that really says it all – It’s of little girl complaining about the pink aisle in the toy store…
“Why do the girls have to buy pink stuff and the boys get to buy different colored stuff…why do the girls have to buy princesses and the boys can buy superheroes! Sometimes girls want to buy superheroes!”
Sometimes girls want to buy superheroes!
Our Unitarian Universalist tradition calls on us to affirm the inherent worth and dignity of all beings, to promote justice, equity, and compassion in all of our relations, and acceptance of one another and encouragement to spiritual growth.
When we accept ourselves in our fullness we can celebrate ourselves and others.
Let us strengthen our relational fabric to create a safety net, a soft place to fall, a strong web of interconnection and interdependence, and the spaciousness of acceptance within which we can dance and experience compassion and empathy for ourselves and for others…
And to celebrate who we are.
Because, you know, you were born this way baby.
Then the youth came in and we all danced to an edited version of Lady Gaga’s “Born this Way” video